Dear Pastor's Wife,
My friend bought a house with her boyfriend, who helped pay most of the costs, and she is now being convicted that living together without being married is a sin. She doesn't want to get married just so they can sleep together, but she also doesn't feel right kicking her boyfriend out until/or if they get married since he paid most of the initial costs. She wants to know if being "committed" to one person is the same as being married in God's eyes and why does she need the piece of paper to prove her devotion. Can you help?
Blondie's Brain
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Dear Blondie's Brain,
What a caring friend you are! There are more than a couple of things going on here so I will address each separately. First, and foremost, it is wonderful that your friend is growing in her relationship with God. The fact that she is listening to God’s voice and wondering how to please Him cannot be celebrated enough! We need to keep reminding her that when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, it is only because we are loved. The One who created each of us knows how fragile our hearts, minds, souls and bodies are. His laws were given to protect us, not to spoil our fun. If we are ignoring Scripture then we are choosing to enter very risky territory with life-altering consequences. Encourage her to continue listening to His voice of love and conviction.
Next, let me address the issue of living together. Most of Hollywood and even some in the church have bought into the lie that people can and should be “tried on,” “taken for a spin,” “lived with” for a while before becoming life partners. While this may sound logical, God created us to bond with each other way too easily for this to work. There are much better ways to find out if a potential partner is a “bad egg” than opening up our complete sexual, financial and emotional selves to them. Sadly, over the years this “living together” mentality has created a heartbreaking cycle that would almost be laughable if it wasn’t so very tragic. People are afraid to commit to one another in marriage because they have seen the pain of horrible marriages. However, one the contributors to horrible marriages has been the distrust fostered by having sex without marriage in the first place. If marriage and sexual intimacy are not held sacred before the vows, then they will most likely not be held sacred after. And so the pain is repeated, over and over and over. In trying to avoid the pain of a break-up, people are doing exactly what might be causing the break-up later! As her friend, you will need to help her see that Jesus is only trying to protect her when His Word tells her to flee fornication.
Now let me address the question of being able to be just as “committed” to a person without a “piece of paper.“ What has always puzzled me about this argument is this: If getting married is “just a piece of paper” then what’s the big deal about getting it? What are you afraid of? Just do it! If you hesitate, then, no, I don’t believe you are truly committed to the other person. My experience has taught me that an unwillingness to get “the piece of paper” is not so much about making a political or philosophical statement as it is about covering up a lack of commitment (you don’t really care that much but you enjoy the “perks” of living together) or hiding fear (you care too much and are willing to give out the “perks” rather than lose the relationship). Your friend is going to need lots of love and support as she wrestles with God concerning this area in her life. Is she sensing that this is NOT the person God has for her but is afraid of being alone? Is she already deeply attached to this person and afraid that God might call her to give him up? Does she believe he IS the partner God has for her but is afraid of failing at marriage? Is she banking on the fact that failing with a “boyfriend” won’t hurt as bad as failing with a “husband?” This does not even take into account the spiritual life of her boyfriend! That will need to be another column.
Lastly, your friend is correct that scripture states that having sexual relationships with another person already makes you “one flesh” in God’s eyes. However, she is missing the context! This truth is given as an admonishment to people that they should BEWARE who they become “joined” with. Hearts, souls and minds become forever entwined along with our bodies. Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:23 both address the situation by saying “get married already!” Being married proclaims to the world that you are not ashamed of being forever known as being united to this person you love. Isaiah 62:4 actually describes the promised land as being so blessed that it is as if it were “married!” True commitment is more important than a piece of paper, yes. But the willingness to get the paper is proof that the commitment is real.
The bottom line is that God loves us and is very patient with us, understanding our limitations and maturity level. With maturity, however, comes the knowledge, sooner or later, that living with someone sexually outside of marriage is not an option for anyone truly desiring to follow Jesus. Not only are they placing themselves in danger, but they are harming their partner, as well. A choice will need to be made, to marry or to be celibate. You will notice that I have not given any time to the issue of the sharing of the financial responsibility of buying a house together. Understandably, this makes the option of separating quite difficult. However, I will definitely make it a matter of prayer. If separation is what your friend ultimately decides upon, I know God will provide a way for this to take place.
Continue the good work of friendship, Blondie’s Brain! I’m in your corner, as well!
The Pastor’s Wife
My friend bought a house with her boyfriend, who helped pay most of the costs, and she is now being convicted that living together without being married is a sin. She doesn't want to get married just so they can sleep together, but she also doesn't feel right kicking her boyfriend out until/or if they get married since he paid most of the initial costs. She wants to know if being "committed" to one person is the same as being married in God's eyes and why does she need the piece of paper to prove her devotion. Can you help?
Blondie's Brain
********************************************************************************
Dear Blondie's Brain,
What a caring friend you are! There are more than a couple of things going on here so I will address each separately. First, and foremost, it is wonderful that your friend is growing in her relationship with God. The fact that she is listening to God’s voice and wondering how to please Him cannot be celebrated enough! We need to keep reminding her that when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin, it is only because we are loved. The One who created each of us knows how fragile our hearts, minds, souls and bodies are. His laws were given to protect us, not to spoil our fun. If we are ignoring Scripture then we are choosing to enter very risky territory with life-altering consequences. Encourage her to continue listening to His voice of love and conviction.
Next, let me address the issue of living together. Most of Hollywood and even some in the church have bought into the lie that people can and should be “tried on,” “taken for a spin,” “lived with” for a while before becoming life partners. While this may sound logical, God created us to bond with each other way too easily for this to work. There are much better ways to find out if a potential partner is a “bad egg” than opening up our complete sexual, financial and emotional selves to them. Sadly, over the years this “living together” mentality has created a heartbreaking cycle that would almost be laughable if it wasn’t so very tragic. People are afraid to commit to one another in marriage because they have seen the pain of horrible marriages. However, one the contributors to horrible marriages has been the distrust fostered by having sex without marriage in the first place. If marriage and sexual intimacy are not held sacred before the vows, then they will most likely not be held sacred after. And so the pain is repeated, over and over and over. In trying to avoid the pain of a break-up, people are doing exactly what might be causing the break-up later! As her friend, you will need to help her see that Jesus is only trying to protect her when His Word tells her to flee fornication.
Now let me address the question of being able to be just as “committed” to a person without a “piece of paper.“ What has always puzzled me about this argument is this: If getting married is “just a piece of paper” then what’s the big deal about getting it? What are you afraid of? Just do it! If you hesitate, then, no, I don’t believe you are truly committed to the other person. My experience has taught me that an unwillingness to get “the piece of paper” is not so much about making a political or philosophical statement as it is about covering up a lack of commitment (you don’t really care that much but you enjoy the “perks” of living together) or hiding fear (you care too much and are willing to give out the “perks” rather than lose the relationship). Your friend is going to need lots of love and support as she wrestles with God concerning this area in her life. Is she sensing that this is NOT the person God has for her but is afraid of being alone? Is she already deeply attached to this person and afraid that God might call her to give him up? Does she believe he IS the partner God has for her but is afraid of failing at marriage? Is she banking on the fact that failing with a “boyfriend” won’t hurt as bad as failing with a “husband?” This does not even take into account the spiritual life of her boyfriend! That will need to be another column.
Lastly, your friend is correct that scripture states that having sexual relationships with another person already makes you “one flesh” in God’s eyes. However, she is missing the context! This truth is given as an admonishment to people that they should BEWARE who they become “joined” with. Hearts, souls and minds become forever entwined along with our bodies. Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:23 both address the situation by saying “get married already!” Being married proclaims to the world that you are not ashamed of being forever known as being united to this person you love. Isaiah 62:4 actually describes the promised land as being so blessed that it is as if it were “married!” True commitment is more important than a piece of paper, yes. But the willingness to get the paper is proof that the commitment is real.
The bottom line is that God loves us and is very patient with us, understanding our limitations and maturity level. With maturity, however, comes the knowledge, sooner or later, that living with someone sexually outside of marriage is not an option for anyone truly desiring to follow Jesus. Not only are they placing themselves in danger, but they are harming their partner, as well. A choice will need to be made, to marry or to be celibate. You will notice that I have not given any time to the issue of the sharing of the financial responsibility of buying a house together. Understandably, this makes the option of separating quite difficult. However, I will definitely make it a matter of prayer. If separation is what your friend ultimately decides upon, I know God will provide a way for this to take place.
Continue the good work of friendship, Blondie’s Brain! I’m in your corner, as well!
The Pastor’s Wife
