Dear Pastor's Wife,
My fiance and I are looking to get married in the not too far distant future. We are having difficulty choosing an official to perform the ceremony. What would be some good questions to ask the official to help us better get an understanding of their personality, and the way they perform their ceremony to help us in our decision?
--Guidance Seeker
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Dear Guidance Seeker,
Congratulations on your decision to become life partners! Marriage, like parenting, is one of the most difficult yet most rewarding life-long commitments anyone can possibly make. The fact that you are having difficulty choosing an official for your ceremony indicates that maybe neither one of you has yet found a church body or family of faith to connect with. If this is the case, it might be more wise to ask yourselves a couple of questions before interviewing for an official. Is there a reason you wish to have a religious ceremony versus a civil ceremony? Is it just because you had always dreamed of a “church” wedding or is it deeper than that? If spiritual truth and a relationship with God are important to you, I have suggestions to help you find an official that will not only be a help on that one single day of the ceremony but will also provide the needed spiritual and emotional support, counsel and aid that your marriage will need in the many days to come.
Whether Captains on ships, Rabbis in synagogues, Judges in courtrooms, weddings have always been officiated by those who have both authority and responsibility over the couple. They were assumed to be the couple’s teacher, protector, advisor and help. While people who get married in the “Chapel of Love” in Vegas, or elope in Tijuana might still end up with lasting marriages, it only makes sense to get all the help available to ensure the best future for your life together? In Proverbs 15:22 God tells us that, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Here are just a few steps and a list of questions to help you find the best person to officiate your wonderful wedding! . Jesus , while embracing the spirit of his own religion and race (especially its faithfulness to the truth of there being only one true God), harshly rebuked what it had become. Judaism had morphed, as all “religions” (including Christianity) eventually do, into a hierarchy of power-mongering people clawing to keep themselves over and above others. The entire 23rd Chapter of Matthew records Jesus’ words concerning the leaders of the Jews. Jesus brought something better than the Hebrew commandments, He brought the ability to actually live them fully and freely, through His Spirit of love and power. If everyone became free in God’s love, then the religious leaders risked losing their place on the ladder of prestige. Therefore, Jesus’ own Jewish leaders had him killed. We follow Jesus’ example by choosing to pursue the “relationship” with God that Judaism aspired to rather than simply follow a “religion.”
Step One: Consider personal connections. Is there a pastor who already knows your family or that of your future spouse? That way you could ask people who know you if they think this official would be a good fit for your wedding. You just might find a candidate this way so that you do not have to begin from scratch. Either way, you should still move through the remaining steps and questions.
Step Two: Check the statements of faith held by the official’s church or denomination. These can usually be provided in pamphlet form by the official’s office staff. Do their beliefs match yours, at least in the BIG things?
Step Three: Set up a meeting with the person. Have your list of questions written out with room at the side for you to jot down notes after each one. Here is a sample list that you could revamp to make your own!
1. Are these dates open on your calendar? (Rehearsal/Ceremony/Marriage-Prep Meetings)
2. What do you charge?
3. Do you require/recommend pre-marital counseling sessions? If so, how many and when? What topics do you cover? Is there a “Mentor-couple” program we can take advantage of? What about Marriage-Enrichment groups for afterward?
4. Would you anticipate any difficulties associated with the venue we have chosen?
5. Do you prefer a more formal/elegant/serious atmosphere for the ceremony or are you more comfortable with a casual/fun-loving/party-type atmosphere?
6. Could you describe (and could we have a copy of) what your normal marriage ceremony entails? Do you plan on telling any jokes from the platform or are you going to be delivering any sermons? If so, what are they going to be about?
7. How flexible are you or are you allowed to be by your church? Would you be open to us doing this? ______________(fill in with your own preferences)_______ How late is “too late” to make changes in the ceremony?
8. If we run into problems in the future, how much of your time could we expect to receive for counsel and help? 1-2 hours? 4-6 meetings? However long needed? Would there be a charge?
9. Do you have contacts in the professional counseling community that you could refer us to if needed in the future? Do you know what they charge? Do you have Young Couples Groups or Marriage-Enrichment Groups you could refer us to in the future?
10. Give us your definition of a “marriage” and describe what you consider are the most important aspects of it.
Add any other questions you feel you need to, in order to tell whether this person will not only make your wedding “DAY” wonderful, but will be a tool God can use to help your entire married life, including future “family,” rock-solid committed, joyous and loving!
While finding the right “personality” for your one hour ceremony was all you were referring to in your request, I hope you can see that you have the opportunity to add a HUGE asset to your entire married life through this one little decision about who to have officiate your wedding. Whether you take advantage of it or not, is your decision. Let me end by saying that there is only thing I regret about my wedding…and I regret it deeply…and that is not having had any preparation or pre-marital counseling sessions. My husband and I could have saved ourselves YEARS if not decades of unneeded pain and misunderstandings if we would have been mentored or helped in this way BEFORE we got married. So, don’t ignore question #3. Once again, CONGRATULATIONS! And I will be praying for you with JOY, Guidance Seeker!
The Pastor’s Wife
